Life - or something like it

There is a hollow in the pit of my stomach and a dull ache in my heart today, when I think of you my child and at my stillborn attempt at becoming a mother. People say it is time I was healed and had mended my broken heart, but the scars are still raw and bleeding. People say I have mourned enough and that it was time to let go. I want to believe them but my tears speak a different story. Can grief have an expiration date? I ask them. I long to hold you in my arms and look into your eyes as you look up at me in wonderment.I want to caress your soft skin and smell that baby smell, which is a part of me. I want to wipe your tears away and hold you tight so that you feel safe and loved. I want to hear your sweet giggles and the pitter patter of your tiny feet as walk in your squeaky shoes. I want to hear the chimes of your sweet, innocent voice. I want to experience the sleepless nights, the dirty diapers and the strength with which you hold my thumb in your tiny fingers, giving

Today my blog turned 5 years old. It has been such a roller coaster ride, these past 5 years. I changed from not being a writer to a writer, co-authored a book and started my own content writing and editing company.   As prompted by Debajyoti , I thought of writing of my blogging journey today. It all started as an experiment, on a lazy weekend with nothing much to do. I was in the UK and was missing my dog and wanted to express it in some form. As a child, I had written a few stories complete with drawings of beggars and in hideous English. These got lost somewhere as I grew up. Later, as a teenager, I started writing a diary everyday describing the events that were happening in my life. It was mostly filled with how my soul was tortured and how difficult life was living with my parents and sisters. I had a laugh riot when I read those entries after a few years and realised that I was such a drama queen. That was my only experience with writing, before I started the blog. I would

I was born in a small town called Nagpur in Maharashtra, India. Nearly 40 years back Nagpur was a small town as compared to its glamorous cousins Pune or Bombay. It still retains its small town charm in the lanes and by lanes that I frequented as a child and then as a grown woman. There is a certain kind of joy growing up in a small town, which is incomparable when you grow up in a big city. The hustle and bustle of a big city makes it impossible for a person to enjoy the relaxed life or even notice the changing seasons. While growing up, most of the people I knew lived in Bungalows with a garden around the house. There were buildings but there were very few of these. Our house was surrounded by Papaya, Guava and Custard Apple trees. We also had a Lemon tree along with a variety of flowering plants such as Rose, Mogra, Hibiscus etc. For any Puja in the house, all we had to do was grab a basket and pluck the flowers and fruits. One of our neighbours had a Mango tree and all the kids

Nagpurians can be easily identified amongst a group of people, as they stand apart anywhere because of their unique personality. The food, the weather and the attitude makes us what we are and even if we no longer live in Nagpur, it is difficult to shake the Nagpuri out of us. What makes us unique is our outlook to life and the never say die attitude. You can identify us very easily because of our language, taste in food and how zealously Nagpurians can prove to you that Nagpur is the best city in India. Here is what makes us asli(true)  Nagpurians 1) The language we speak is like you have never heard anywhere. It is a mixture of Hindi and Marathi, where you will find words such as: Hou (a combination of ho- yes in Marathi and haan- yes in Hindi). Sahi (which in Hindi means right) which we use as an exclamation of joy or to say fantastic. Mahol (in Hindi means atmosphere) again means fantastic or out of this world. Ek number in Nagpur means very good. Abey Yaar means wh

In my life, friends' have always played a major role. From the time I was a child, I was always surrounded by hordes of friends and my family had to tolerate them as all my friendships were sacred to me. My post Death of a friendship talks about it. I also got into numerous fights with my older sister, when she called some of them wacky. Such was my devotion to my friends. The idea of friendship was firmly ingrained in my mind. Being a good friend meant that, I was always there for that person come rain or shine, through thick and thin, day or night and I expected the same in return. There were many books I read and the TV series I saw, such as "Friends" and "Sex and the City" that further influenced my thought process. I was fully convinced that such friendships existed in the read world, where friends called each other at 3 in the morning or rushed to help each other without a second thought. The Movie Sholay's Jai and Veeru epitomised friendship for

Friendships most times are stronger than other relationships. They are the life raft that give you home in the turbulent sea called life. As time goes by it becomes deeper and stronger and it   nurtures and sustains you . Friendships happen so easily and the best part is, it is so much to fun to make new friends. I always had a huge circle of friends while growing up. My parents were always aghast during my birthday parties by the sheer number of people who came down to wish me. I gathered friends wherever I went, my tuition class, guitar class, computer class, school, college and even in the lane where I lived. At that time,life was a wonderful ride filled with giggles and gossip. As I grew older, many of those friends became good friends, while I lost touch with a few as they drifted away. A handful of them especially the women friends became my close friends,with whom I could spend hours, talking about anything under the Sun. These friendships grew strong for many years as each on

Her wrinkled face and hazy eyes look out wistfully at passersby as she sits on the dusty pavement. Her nine yards 'Saree' is draped over her head and a few glass bangles tinkle as she raises her palm to catch the coin dropped in her palm by someone who has taken pity on her state. The old beggar woman sits there everyday  in the same place, her cloudy eyes searching for a loving face, in this fast moving world. I have seen her everyday for the past 20 days. She sits outside the building where my driving school is based, with the look of resignation and helplessness in those milky eyes. Some days I drop a few coins in her hand and other days I get her Bananas and other soft fruit which she can eat with her toothless mouth. In the hustle and bustle of life, not many of us stop and think of people like the beggar woman. A few coins dropped in needy hands takes care of the guilt and we forget them on our way to better and brighter things. For most of us, they are a part of th

How many kids do you have? Arre married for long and no kids? You don’t want kids? It is time you both  started a family. When are you planning to have kids? Planning chodo and now have a child. My husband and I have faced this litany of questions all the years we have been married. Most of the times these questions are asked by family and friends, and at other times by nosy busy bodies who have too much interest in other people’s lives. I had been thinking of writing this post for many days now,but always stopped as I did not know how my family will react to this post. I finally gathered the strength to write the post, for all the people who have been in my place and have had to struggle with the agonising fact that they will never be able to have their own biological child/children. Writing this post has acted as catharsis for me. After 12 years of marriage, I had to face this brutal truth. I had to undergo a battery of tests and procedures over a period of two years which

It is time for change and  time for a new beginning. Time to pack up the whole house and move back home to India. In a week’s time I would be sitting in a Jet Plane flying back home with Hubs by my side. Right now, I am sitting squashed between mounds of clothes and the sharp book ends and  knick-knacks lying around are digging into my posterior.  I have tons of stuff to pack and do a lot of scrubbing and cleaning, all that work has put me over the edge. I swear, I have just 2 strands of hair left on my head..rest are all lying scattered as I have been pulling at them in frustration. Is it possible to be happy and sad at the same time? I guess its possible…I felt somewhat similar when my eldest sister got married and left for Mumbai and I finally got Mom and Dad all to myself… This is the longest I have stayed in one town, the longest in any single home and the longest at any job (after marriage) hence I am feeling a bit wistful. But I am happy too, I am excited and thrille

I have recently started watching a Hindi TV series called Ladies Special. I like it cause its refreshingly realistic compared to other sagas dished out these days. It is a story of four women who are travel together in a train called 'Ladies Special' in Mumbai. It revolves around their day-to-day lives and issues faced by them. One of the protagonists is 'Pooja' who is married to a guy who is evil personified. He constantly keeps a watch on her and is abusive to her physically and mentally. In spite of being educated and earning well, he is very mean and cruel and uses his physical strength to control her. I have a friend who is going through a similar situation. The worst part is she is in USA without a support system of family and friends. SHe comes from a middle class family with parents who are retired and an elder sister who is also facing problems in her marriage. Not being financially independent has added to her woes and in spite of knowing the risks, she has de

Its said that 'Most girls want to marry a guy just like their father'. That says so much about Dads. 'Fathers Day' gives me the chance to say thanks to my father. My dad is the strong silent types. Anyone who meets him for the first time will get slightly intimidated because of his quietness. He is bad at making conversation and sometimes can sit alone for hours together lost in his thoughts. Very people know about his funny bone and the laugh which comes from the bottom of his soul when he finds something amusing I remember my childhood days, he used to teach me maths which was a dreaded subject and encouraged me to follow my dreams and passions. He gladly funded my different hobbies be it my painting classes, guitar classes or joining a book library in summer holidays. He very enthusiastically enjoyed, my initial experiments with cooking. He always appreciated the food I made, which was mostly unpalatable and sometimes undercooked(Which even I could not eat myself).

is it correct? The path I have taken. The life I am living, was it meant to be this way? Fate, destiny, luck are these just mere words? Or they really play a role in my life? Every Crossroad in life is a challenge. Is it there to mock me or make me what I am supposed to be? The road to peace and happiness is full of struggle. Will I have the spirit to reach my goal? Everyone says once you are grown up you have answers to questions. I have more questions than answers. Sometimes I sit and wonder .

Tommorow is 'Mothers Day' and I wanted to dedicate this post to my mother and many other wonderful mothers I know. My mother is a wonderful person. She is a chatter box and from her I got the quality of being a talkative person. She cooks amazing food and is a very good singer. She is a great mom and quite emotional even though she vehemently denies that accusation. I know that if she would have got a chance to follow her dreams, she would have been a very successful singer or a Master Chef. The choices were made for her and she like dutiful daughter and wife played by the rules. Even though she is emotional and soft when it comes to her daughters, at the core she is a strong person who has been with my father every step of the way for over 40 years. She has an immense reservoir of patience. I do wonder sometimes that did my mother get exasperated when I learnt to walk and eat? When I spilled something on my clothes or when I must have puked on her clothes. The endless hours

I really pity today's generation of kids who really don't know what its like to go out and play with kids your own age. They lack social skills and most of them are either glued to the 'Idiot Box' or the computer to even explore their surroundings or discover new games. Oh this not a bitchy post but just an observation. I was chatting with my cousin and suddenly remembered the weird games we invented and had a gala time when we were growing up together. I grew up with a younger cousin(X) and a sister (Y) just a year older than me. My eldest sis (Z) is quite a bit older so was never interested in what we were up to. 'Y' was a mature and disciplined kid for her age and she expected her wayward and curious sibling (Moi) and her unruly cousin 'X' to behave and fall in line. She was a enthusiastic participant in our games in the beginning but eventually gave up when she saw that we were getting more innovative and adventurous in our games. These are a few g

I know I know it is a bit narcissistic but I am having a writers block(I so wanted to use this word for a long time and now I get my opportunity)...so please bear with it.For people who don't know me here are a few things to know about me: 1. I am an Indian and currently living in the UK and missing home badly. 2. I am the youngest of 3 siblings and my sisters think I am stubborn brat but lovable..and love it when they pamper me. 3. I have always been overweight but I loathe exercise... 4. Give me a nice book and I don't need any entertainment.... 5. I love my mother's cooking especially the 'Maharastrian' delicacies she cooks. 6. I am an ardent fan of Italian food and love dry white wine. 7. People who pretend to be good friends with you and stab you in the back can rot in hell. 8. I was very blunt few years back but have managed to tone it down with a lot of hard work and dirty looks from Hubs darling. 9. I am crazy about Hindi film music and love watching English

Whew!!! one more year gone....seems like the older you grow the faster the days go by.... In retrospect, the year has been one of the most chaotic and enriching at the same time. It was year of making new friends, losing a few, finding long lost friends, going nearly broke, starting a blog and growing tougher. It was also year of strengthening of marital bond between Moi and better half.... It must be the first time in my life that I am taking stock of 365 days spent on this planet. Maybe am getting wiser-( I can already hear a lot of cackles from Hubby dear, Harya and Sush....) I made friends from across the globe....which was an eyeopener in terms of cultures and language. Even got a chance to make weird hand getsures to communicate with friends from the far east (Most of them can't understand our accent and we theirs). Got used to the sexy British accent (believe me its not even close to what you hear on BBC) where money is pronounced as muny and Bus is Boos (Got the pictur

Too much connectivity with people can sometimes prove to be irksome...with the launch of social networking sites it has become more and more easier to be connected to people with a click of a button. Friends of friends suddenly want to know whats new in your life....people whom you have not seen in like a decade suddenly come back in your life, which is good most of the times. I have heard so many of my friends complaining that they frequently get messages like 'Will you accept my friendship?" or " I would like to be your friend" from people trawling the webworld looking for cheap thrills. Same is the case with online Chats...... I am a chataholic who likes to chat with friends back home.That is my only link to India and people since, I am a lone worker at both the places I work and I crave conversation to break the monotony. Somehow (I could never figure this out) but some of my orkut contacts got added to my Gmail chat list and people whom I had added on Orkut for

Yeah I guess,it is right now in the spotlight....is it shining or not...is a very debatable topic. Yes of course I am talking of the heinous terrorist attack on Mumbai,India. The media has very(as usual) packaged the massacre and given a very saleable name calling it "India's 9/11." Well if it was India's 9/11 , is India reacting the way USA did after the 9/11?? thats the question which needs to be answered. The politicians have reacted so predictably, selling themselves at every given opportunity. Do they really think we canot see through the sham?? They even managed to insult families of the dead. How much lower can they fall still? Heads rolled and the blame game was as usual, with people resigning from their posts...which by the way they can win back in the next elections...does this make any sense?? The media gave a nonstop account of the happenings in Mumbai. They harrased victims and their families. They asked uncomfortable questions to families waiting for any

Deepavali or Diwali is here. Today is 'Laxmi Pujan ' one of the biggest days for Hindus across the globe. I am here far away from home in foreign lands and missing all the festivities back home in India. And to top it I am in office and working today...which is so weird. I still remember the grand celebrations when I was growing up. Started with 'Dhanteras' and ended with 'Bhai dooj'. All the hogging on sweets and wearing new clothes and bursting crackers in the front yard with the house ablaze with lights and diyas (Oil Lamps). 'Narkachaturdashi' is mainly celebrated in Maharashtra- a region where I come from. Its celebrated one day after Dhanteras. It is believed that on that day if you are not bathed and dressed before Sunrise you will go to Hell(Narka) , which we still believe. I remember my mother waking my sis and me up at 4 in the morning and putting scented Oil and a scrub for making us pure on that day. I clearly remember the rough scrub she us

My ususal work day starts with a cup of coffee and checking my mails and getting ready for work. Today when I got up, I saw rain pounding on the windows and the first thought that came to my mind was "oh damn, the f****** rain has started again".The urge to creep back into the covers was so very tempting. Living in the UK, you do get used to the continuous rain but after a week of glorious weather it was a disappointment. I got dressed as quietly as possible as hubby dearest was snoring away to glory (him being on a sabbatical after a year of MBA studies). I got bundled up in my trusty jacket and plodded towards work. My walk to my workplace takes me through the centre of town. I saw few people under shop awnings who looked as surprised as I was, with the weather turning bad. Rest of the crowd was just walking head down trying not to get wet in the downpour. As I walked on, I heard giggles and laughter. And then in front of me walked 3 school girls trying to hide under one